Incredible words for a child who is struggling with so much. Her name is Sarah. She was born with spina bifida in early 2000. The doctors gave her little hope of going to the bathroom on her own, having highly developed speech, and . . . yes . . . even walking. Hearing this prognosis can be devastating words for parents who so much want a healthy child with no challenges of these types and who already went through a similar scare with their first child (who is perfectly healthy!) But this prognosis can also be words of challenge for the parents. And this is how they received them. Their ability to step up to the challenge was one thing that instilled in Sarah the ability to rise above her struggles and to speak clearly, to always have a beautiful smile for everyone, and even to walk.
What is it the makes some children crumble under tough circumstances and others to rise above incredible odds? What is it that allows children like Sarah to not be hindered by her disabilities? Or what about the stories of these children:
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“My father gets drunk. He said he was going to kill my mother and me. My mother put me with friends and ran away. I don’t know where she is.”
(6 year old boy) -
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“I have to go to the hospital a lot because I have so many illnesses. I don’t know if I will ever get well.” (10 year old girl)
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“I have always got straight ‘A’s. But yesterday I failed my first test. I wonder if I still have what it takes.” (13 year old boy)
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“I am very short and people tease me at school all the time.” (9 year old boy)
Teaching our children to be resilient is important because we all face hardships and decisions in our lives. Some are more difficult than others, but we all have to be resilient. If we do not learn to be resilient we will crumble under the responsibilities of life. Many things affect a child's ability to be resilient in difficult circumstances. Things like social support, living conditions, and internal resources are key. But the one we will focus on here is how we as dads affect our child's resiliency. We can teach our children to stand up for themselves by doing a few things:
1. Allow tough times for the sake of learning. A child who's father fixes every problem will not learn how to deal with adversity as they grow up. Our role as dads is to walk with our child through the tough times and help by protecting them. But we need to maintain a conversation with them so they know they are not alone and that we are there to help. When we allow them to figure things out on their own:
• they learn to trust themselves - and this is one of the most important aspects of a child's self-esteem.
•they learn valuable problem-solving skills that they can use the next time something happens.
•they learn who they can trust to help them. In this, our role as fathers is to offer guidance and wisdom as they learn to make decisions for themselves.
2. Be consistent in the wisdom and guidance you offer them. Your presence will be calming if you are calm. They will trust you as you balance your input with their decisions in a nurturing, caring way.
3. Show them they HAVE:
•trusting relationships
•structure & rules at home
•role models
•encouragement to be autonomous
•access to health, education, welfare, and security services
4. Show them they ARE:
•loveable and my temperament is appealing
•loving, empathetic, & altruistic
•proud of myself
•autonomous & responsible
•filled with hope, faith & trust
5. Encourage them they CAN
communicate
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•communicate
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•problem solve
•manage my feelings & impulses
•gauge the temperament of myself & others
•seek trusting relationships
Sarah had the resiliency within her to meet her challenges head on and not back down. That day when she stood up and walked, whether she knew it or not, she was reaching deep within herself and taking a stand against all the people who said "never" to her. She saw the challenge and made a difference in her life. I believe that her ability to make a difference personally will one day allow her to make a difference socially. You can already see it. Her smile lights up a room and leaves you changed forever . . . if you take the time to watch.
Any thoughts? Email Brian.
